They Get To Have Their Feelings

Parents are allowed to hold the boundaries. And kids… well they are allowed to feel upset about it.

Does that make you do a double-take? Well, it ought to, because it is so contradictory to how most of us were raised. Parents used to think that they could dictate how children should feel about something which, in hindsight, makes no sense at all. Spoiler alert: we can’t hi-jack their feelings or experiences! They get to have their feelings.

If the thought of the aftermath of boundary setting makes you break out in a cold sweat, wanting to reach for a tub of ice cream, an adult beverage or a solitary, dark corner for back-and-forth rocking – don’t worry – you are not alone.

Maybe the following perspective shifts could be of some help and soothe that anxiety of yours somewhat:

Firm, loving boundaries actually make your kid feel SAFER. How, you may ask? Kids’ brains are obsessed with control. Therefore, predictability is their friend. It makes their world feel safe and safe is important. When they (read all of us) feel safe, we can regulate our emotions more effectively. Therefore, when parents mean what they say and say what they mean, it makes the kid’s world feel more predictable and safe. When we go back on our boundaries, however, it cues their brain to think… CHAOS, UNSAFE, UNPREDICTABLE! So when we say “one more episode” which turns into “5 more episodes”, that is confusing. Cue the chaos.
The BIIIIIG, powerful, upset feelings that erupt after holding a boundary is totally, completely, absolutely OKAY and NORMAL. (No – I don’t have Corona. I have all my ducks in a row. You read that correctly). All feelings are okay – even the uncomfortable ones! (GASP!) When we create space for a healthy, safe release of emotion (vs suppression), it allows our kids to move through their feelings quicker. It also cements the parent-child attachment by building trust, because they learn that you are a safe person they can honestly express themselves with. But wait – there’s more: they also learn that they don’t need to be in charge of the big decisions (you will be in charge of those) – and that takes so much pressure off their little shoulders! Less pressure = less stress = less chaotic behaviour.

If this intrigues you and you are interested in acing this parenting thing: enroll in my discipline course right now: FROM CONTROL TO CONNECTION: how great parents are made.