The Choice
I choose to free my child. My child will not be held responsible for feeding my ego, nor will they be held hostage by my ego or expectations. I understand that who I am is not tied to my child’s behaviour or achievements or failures. I choose instead to dismantle my ego – my false sense of self – in favour of my core being. I will give my self the love and acknowledgement I need – to reparent myself if need be – in order to deeply connect with my child.
– I choose to acknowledge effort not outcome. To encourage instead of praise, because I want my child to know that they are more than good enough at the core of their being. I don’t want them to fall victim to the trap of achievement. To be dependent on applause or trophies and external validation. Because what will become of them when the applause fades, the curtains close and the lights are dimmed? Instead, I want them to be able to complete the sentence “I am…” I want to be their mirror to reflect back to them who they truly are. I want them to know that their worth is not tied to any of their achievements. I want them to know: they are worthy… simply because they are.
– I choose to distance myself from disrespectful discipline practices. I will not commit violent acts against my child in the name of discipline. I will not shame, degrade, disrespect or assassinate their character in the name of discipline. Instead, I will understand that discipline means to teach. I choose to be their guide. Not an angry, unregulated, out-of-control, power-hungry “adult-toddler”.
– I choose to help them (and myself) regulate first, because I understand that a brain in survival mode… only knows how to survive {by means of very primitive survival tactics}. I understand that learning can only take place once we are both in our calm, responsive brain states. Therefore we will breathe together; I will help you name your powerful emotions; I will hold you or share space with you and I will empathise with you until we can think clearly and calmly again.
– I will choose patience.
– I will seek connection above all, because I understand that the only way I can secure influence in my child’s life is through connection. Because I understand that children do better when they feel better. Because I understand that children will listen when they feel listened to.
– My child is not a clone, a minion, nor a robot. They are allowed to disagree with me, have a different point of view, and even choose their own set of values. I will respect them for the complete soul they are, albeit tiny, hormonal, unregulated or different from my expectations.
– I will remind myself that I am not the one freaking out about a triangle sandwich. I don’t need to have a meltdown just because they are. I choose to share my calm – not join their chaos.
– I choose to be present in the moment. To put my to-do list on hold. To stop chasing the future and to surrender to the now. To share the joy and awe and wonder of a first-time experience or imagination unleashed or a “just-because” moment.
– I will choose patience.
– I choose to take ownership of my “stuff”. You will not be blamed for my tiredness, irritation or impatience. You will not be my emotional punching bag. I will own my stuff, without projecting or blaming. I will own my stuff, by apologising and asking for forgiveness and doing better next time.
– I understand, acknowledge and accept that the sign of great parenting is not my child’s behaviour, but my own behaviour.
– I choose to understand that all behaviour speaks of need. Therefore, I will be your behaviour detective – meeting your need, instead of punishing your behaviour (i.e. your communication tool).
– But most of all, I choose to love unconditionally. I will not love you more because you appease and please. My love will not be dependent upon you meeting a certain set of criteria or standards. And my love will not be hijacked by disappointment, mistakes or poor decision-making.
This is the type of parent I choose to be. This is my commitment to you:
CATCHING FEELINGS: how to raise an emotionally intelligent child
FROM CONTROL TO CONNECTION: how great parents are made
KNOWING YOURSELF HELPS YOUR CHILD
SOME SECRETS SHOULD NEVER BE KEPT a guide in teaching sexual abuse prevention to kids
