Kissing my Four-Year-Old Son Goodnight for the Last Time

written by Joanita Olivier

Tonight I kissed my four-year-old son goodnight for the last time, for tomorrow he turns five. I was filled with contradicting emotions – some of which have been identified and others that still need some figuring out.

There was relief. Relief that he now sleeps through the night (at some point in time I thought it would never happen). Relief that he can understand no in the absence of a temper tantrum (most of the time). Relief that he can wipe his own cute bum (sometimes sufficiently ?). Sadness was definitely also present. Sadness that time is flying by so quickly. That my squishy baby is forever gone – knobbiness being the daily reminder (knobby knees; knobby feet; knobby shoulders). But most of all there was overwhelming thankfulness. I still can’t believe that I get to be his mamma!

I also remembered the moment I held him for the very first time. One of the many thoughts that had crossed my mind was that I had no idea who he was. Five years down the line I know what every facial expression means. I know what excites him; I know what will upset him. I know his heart. I am amazed at the person he is becoming. #suchagoodkid

So tonight, kissing my four-year-old goodnight for the last time, I consciously listened a little more intently. I looked a little more closely and I held him a little while longer. Forever is never going to be long enough. I will always be his biggest fan. ❤