When Only YOU Will Do!

Let’s talk parental preference for a moment. Yes – it is a thing. You know those times when your toddler only wants one parent to do absolutely e-ve-ry-thing. That, friends, is parental preference. It can be exhausting for the (cue the deep announcer voice with an echo) CHOSEN… _CHOSEN… _chosen one and frustrating (even rejecting) for the other parent. Don’t worry – you didn’t do anything wrong; you didn’t mess up. Preference does not equate love!

Underdeveloped toddler brains are obsessed with control – OB-SESSED. So, this is just one more area where they try to explore (exert) decision-making and autonomy. (Remember: it is developmentally their job to push boundaries – their goal is not to frustrate or annoy you – even though it may feel that way a lot of the time.) Although giving toddlers choices is a very good thing (because it feeds their hunger for autonomy), this is not one of the decisions they should be making. It is simply too big of a decision for them, which can actually cause a lot of stress.

So, how do you deal with parental preference? You are not going to take it personally (because that will send you straight into your reptile brain, i.e. momzilla – yikes!); you are going to be in charge of the decision; and you are going to support your toddler’s feelings through it:

1) ok the feelings (because ALL feelings are valid – even the uncomfortable ones);

2) firmly and kindly hold the boundary; and

3) offer an appropriate choice.

“I hear you want daddy to do bed time. Today it is mommy’s turn. That makes you feel really sad. It is ok to feel sad. Tomorrow it will be daddy’s turn again. Do you want to read this book or that book first?”

Question: is this said hissing through your teeth, or screaming at the top of your lungs? Answer: nope, nope, nope. You are going to channel your inner zen and use your CCC: cool, calm, confident tone.

A way to sidestep this power struggle is to offer your toddler appropriate responsibility. Charts or visual aids that toddlers can reference is great in this regard! Their responsibility can be to go check whose turn it is to do bed time. That sense of “responsibility” will make them feel important and help entice cooperation instead of the dreaded pushback.

We have a very cute calendar (thanks shining mom) to help in this regard. Simply print it. Put it up where those wildlings can see it. Cut out a picture of you and your partner’s faces and use Prestik to put up the face of who’s responsible for the routine on that particular day.

Download your calendar HERE.

For more ideas and tips on how to stay connected and empowered through this (challenging) parenting thing, check out my course: FROM CONTROL TO CONNECTION the evolution of discipline.